Lately I don’t feel like there is enough of me to go around. I imagine myself as an octopus, stretching my 8 limbs in every direction, but never being able to grab a hold onto anything. I have 100% been failing at the mom/wife/sister/friend role in more ways than I can explain. I make lists that are left untouched for a week and forget to return phone calls or reply to texts. I can’t remember important dates (even with my planner open on the counter) and constantly feel disorganized. With my heart wide open to all, I’m worried the most important people in my life aren’t feeling my love.
I notice the impact of my bad prioritizing the most on Annabelle. She begs for attention in the worst ways possible these days by acting out. Sometimes she sneaks away a toy from Ailey. Other times she will be rude to her family members. Or she interrupts me if I’m talking to someone only to say she doesn’t know what she even wanted. She has always been cautious with the unknown, but she will intentionally do something she knows is dangerous just to get us to look her way. If we fail to give her what she wants (or the attention she needs) then we’re punished with an hour long tantrum.
Ailey takes a lot of slack as well. Second child problems right? She doesn’t notice my failed multitasking attempts as much as big sister. She is content destroying a box of baby wipes and listening to Taylor Swift on repeat – she only needs me to change her diaper and keep her belly full. Obviously I want to give her more since that is how I raised Annabelle. She was the only child for 2 years and 8 months and had my heart, soul, and attention 100% of the day.
We only get this one life and I want to make it count. I want to be able to hold on to everything with my octopus arms… but I just don’t know how.